Too Much Thinking....

Dear god I been thinking wayy too much. I want to scream, to cry, I want to be in a sleep where no can wake me up! Like today I got back into that "I hate my body" Stage again. I just recovered from crying more than hour about my body. Okay I'm a person who washed there face, brush there hair etc. I look in the mirror for a quick glance. When I was changing outta my school uniform and into regular clothes. I saw my stretch marks and they were really visible.

I saw that and wanted t cry, but I was going next door at the time so I couldn't cry. I rarely cry in front of anyone... I show my own pain to myself barely anyone. I realized I never really "look" into the mirror. Deep down I don't think I'll ever be happy with my physical appearance.

I despise taking pictures. If I take em, I ether rip, cut, throw away the part that I'm in the photo and keep the rest. I'm just that bad with myself..I always has been.

One thing I'm really scared of is concerning my boyfriend. He's in the Army nows and he is working out alot. I'm scared he's gonna come back and see me and not find me attractive anymore and leave me.

I don't wanna be seen. It's senior year, yeah everyone wants to be noticed. They wanna be the star. I don't, I never wanted to be and to this day I still don't. I don't wanna be in any senior projects at all. I'd rather be the senior that only like 5% people knows.

SATS makes me feel stupid..and Seton Academy makes me feel like shit cuz I'm not doing alot for college so that makes me a nobody. Thanks Seton...

So I'm planning on going to a community college. Is that a problem?? I don't think so. Sides I'm not ready to leave home yet. No money and family issues. So I'll still be living with my family for awhile. Sides they need me to help around the house and what not. That won't bother me much.

As a added bonus My seizures started kicking back in. I mean my arms shakes and start crying thinking it's gonna get worse. I remember em all and I can talk fine when I'm having em it's just how it feels, is bothering me DD: I had one in health class last week. I was about to break down crying but I just put my hands in my pockets and tried to ignore it...

I'm done typing...gonna blare my musica, think some more, and possibly find a midnight snack...
Nightz & Later
~Claire

Updating sorta..

Life is..meh. It has its good and bad. Since Wednesday its been decent but it feels more like a blur than anything else. The confusing week was made by the night always. The weekend was better though. My friend Nick got a cell of his own he taxed me, then we talk for hour. then a good morning text and then a phone call later. And it was like that on & off all weekend.


Bad Dreams though...still >.<. Its the same fuckin' dream too. The one where my friend Nick drives me home and I come home to my house elgulf in flames. He's holding me back. And in the end, I loose my family that all lives in the house. I...I just feel like I close my eyes, my family, friends..just everything are gonna be gone. I feel like I'm gonna be alone in the end...


A very shitty feeling really.... I always wake up in the middle of the night. I can't get a deep sleep worth a shit..I wake up like every hour at some point in the night. Every night or like a 90% chance that I have a bad dreams
















Life is a bore really rights now. I'm gonna get ready for bed and the week..tons of fun huh? Not really getting close to bedtime anyways. Nightz everyone, ~Claire

Depressed...

My God, I'm so upset I can't hide it--and I'm pretty damn good at hiding the truth. The walls are crashing down..again..and the only thing I can do..is..just let em crush me really.


You might be thinking "Why,? What's wrong?" My family is slowly going back in the destructive roots. My mom went to a casino Monday night...according to my dad. She didn't come home til 4am... I don't know what I can do. No, what I should do. My mom is slowly going back to her roots more & more. Freakin' Lovely huh?...I just want to fall apart nows. I feel so alone being outta my friends this stuff I have to deal with constantly..

Sometimes my mind is so clouded..so..so distracted it feels like I'm gonna fall to floor crying. I can't repress every time my mom goes to a casino and my family goes crazy that she does leave. Like always..she leave and then when she comes home. She buys snack or food, candy, etc to make up for it and pretend like it didn't happen.

My friend, who I met online. About 3yr ago..is going through so much stuff its insane. Soo that's getting me down too.


I just wanna lay down and cry....no wait..I'm doing that nows. Well I don't really wanna go to school right now..or for awhile really. I just feel so depressed..like..like I have no reason to be anymore. I don't know maybe i'm thinking to hard... Its so hard to smile and laugh though..


I think that's it..soo yeah. I'm done typing for awhile.. Byes ~Claire

The Night of hell

My gawd, Last night fuckin sucked sooo hard. I decided to go to bed around like close to 2am. Hey I couldn't sleep I was sick yesterday and slept til 2pm anyways. I didn't really fall asleep til like 3:30


Anywho, I lay down listening to my ipod, well my musica that normally makes me pass out. Except everytime I feel asleep it was a really f*cked up dream. This one dream kept repeating..it felt so real it was scary. I woke up fuckin crying, shaking, outta breath. It was like this I'm riding in my friend's car. He drives down my street to drop me off by my house. Except my house is in flames when we got there. At that point I lost my sanity. I was about ot try to run in my house and try to save them or maybe die with them.

My friend is holding me back I'm crying my eyes out telling him "God dammnit, let me go. I can't let them die. If it was me in there they would of tried to save me. If you love me let me go so i can try to save them." It fades out black and it reappear with me and my friend watching my house get dowsed with water. The fire department stops the fire goes in my house and comes out telling me "I'm sorry miss there are no survivors". That moment I fall to floor crying and slam my knuckles against the cement pavement to my house.

Due to my house was so badly burned I had to stay with my friend for awhile. For a good chunk of the moment I gone like almost emo. I never smiled anymore, I couldn't have eye contact, and if someone yelled at me I didn't fight back...I just let em. My friend tired of seeing me depressed, just hugs me not letting me go. And Before I knew it---I broke down right in his arms.


Dream 2: The second dream it was almost dark and I'm just standing on a dock looking at the view. Then all of sudden my arms was pulled back handcuffed, and my mouth was covered with some sort of cloth. And I was pushed in the water, I tried to break free while being underwater. I remember all the people who i care about, the people I lost, it was like my whole life flashing before my eyes. In the end I just accepted death and watched as my body slipping into the darkness of the water.


So in the end a good chunk of the night I was waking up crying, shaking, and trying to calm myself down. Last night was just depressing T.T. I hope tonight will be a better night.


Laterz, ~Claire

The Weekend..

This weekend was pretty much slow, I got to talk to a few people on the phone and IM em so it was okay. Was On Deviantart, Gaiaonline, youtube, and lots other stuff.

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My Deviantart name: Cinderella-hime


Gaiaonline name: Cloey71891


Youtube name:Sesshomarufangirl16
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I feel sorta sick, not in the best condition but compared to yesterday I'm decent. Yesterday was hell. Saturday night I had a huge argument with my dad and then sunday I stayed in my room with no food til like 9:30pm. I hope to god I don't have to change in gym. I really don't want to have gym at all. It makes me feel outta shape really. Or That I'm fat, one of those tw theories always goes through my headin gym class....


















Sleepin, hasn't been good in awhile. I pass out in the day nows and don't fall asleep til 2am or abit more on school night. So if my friend isn't on punishment and he's still up we talk on the phone til either my phone goes dead or til I tell him I gotta go or we can't talk tomorrie. Yes we both have issues sleeping. That--or were just vampires in disguise and don't know it lol.




All weekend I been sneezing, coughing, and just--feeling gross. Yeah it was just one of those crappy weekends, ya know? But--it had like 1 good part. That's it though. Tuesday is gonna be a slow day and won't have barely any classes fuck yeah!!


So yeah I'll see you guys laterz, since most who follows me on here I see everyday at school.

Byes Peoples ~Claire

College guys...

Yeps, this is my topic for the my journal. I swear to God man, I'm sick of little grade skool guys. Just..stupid mother fuckers who are so childish.. I wanna date mature guy, who can be childish and yet be serious if needed too. Like herez a few points..

• He'll stare at my eyes where were talking---not just my body
• He'll wear clothes that looks so sexi, but in a mature way. it makes you wanna look at the eyes and his style at the same time.
• He would respect you if your still a virgin instead of going "Haha she's still a fucking virgin. Aww hell naw"
• He'll do things that seems almost irresistible and yet, make you want more. Like He'll slam you against the wall and make out with you and then pull away.
• When he calls you , he'll actually want to call you to talk not just try to do phone sex.
  

I mean I love someone right nows, and I always wanna make him happy. Even if he hurts me entirely. People do stupid things when their in love right? Come on College guys can laugh and have good time too, its just most stupid ass high skool guys suck at life. I ran outta things to say sooo laterz ~Claire

A normal school day..

Yeah, Even though it snowed a hella lot today. We ended up going to school today -.-.You know you would think there is alot of snow if it almost covers all of your shoe.They should of just canceled school. When I was getting ready for school, it was really starting to snow. When I had 1st period it took almost the whole class period to have atleast half a class. I was dying to go home, The day over all was ok, not the greatest, but not the worst either.

By likee 1:10pm I was still in school. But by 1:30, they announced they we can leave by 2pm. Then by 1:45pm they announced we can leave to go home lol. Sooo yeah I came home had soup and layed down.

My body hurts soo bad, and I'm coughing kinda bad too =/. What would seem like a good thing, lay in bed, drinking hot chocolate and snuggling in with someone you love.Well--er, it sound more romantic really ^^;. But I can't do that though..maybe someday.

But yeah, about school before I get side-tracked. Due to the snow & weather conditions, we won't have school tomorrie either. I hope I'm off friday too, that would be so freaking sweet.

Just wanted to tell ya'll how school went for me.

Last night & New Day

~Banner made by me
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Does, anyone actually pay attention in class anyways? lolz. My whole body feels so numb right nows. Gym is sooo fucking tiring my whole body is aching.Plus my throat hurts really bad. Its just..I dunno for a girl who had like 4 1/2hrs of sleep. I'm still kinda hyper.Last night, I was getting read for bed until suprisenly my guy friend called. Like a lil girl, my face light up when his number appeared on my cell. And we talk from---12:30am to almost 3:30am. but then my phone cutt of and i couldn't find my charger for it. He might hates me nows T.T

Yesh, we talk like little girls lol. We talk about video games, about kitties, about how his door doesn't shut, about how much he loves me. umm about how bad i love him and wanna be wif him. Our topics change or vary alot when i talk wif him. He's getting really close to buying a PlayStation 3. Lolz then all of a sudden i was like "No, your wrong I don't just love you.. I Fuckin love you.".

He's a guy so he tried to be a pervert about it. infact He tries to ask pervy things..but fuck he's a guy. He's very blunt..about stuff ^^;. That I'm not really going into. Lolz He claims he's greedy about me. He was was like "claire if you lived next door i'd call you and force you to snuggle with me". Me:"Umm but what if I have to go home by 12? Or what if someone calls? What if my sister wants me to walk half way?" My friend"Nope, nope your ass isn't going home, for many reasons. Its late, its dark, its unsafe. I'm not giving you back, If I have to make you mine by force..then I will". Me:my my that sounds like you almost want force." XD Yes me & him are weird as fuck, but its a good thing though <33>We both have resolutions we gotta keep even if he is a whole state away from me. Our main resolutions is we have to be able to see each other..even if its just 1 day. Even 1 day would get over joyed but it would be so hard to let him go home and let go of his hand.

Umm I thinks that's it, Yesh Imma little girl and talk about moments that make me all girly.
PLEASE PEOPLE PRAY TO JEEBUS 4 A BLIZZARD I DON'T WANNA GO TO SCHOOL.
So laterz peoples
~Cloey

Break's almost over T.T

Is it me or is the whole world going crazy?!"-Serena
"It's you dear, go take a nap." Serena's mom



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Yes, yes it saddens me to say my break is almost over T.T. I really didn't do shit over the break. My Christmas was actually really good this year. Barely any yelling or bullshit this year. Which was a surprise to me. I got alot of anime stuff this year. Which is pretty much death note stuff <33.>

• Misa Misa Necklace form death note
• Gift cards
  
• Death note manga volume 4
• A death not calendar
• A death note cover
• Punk bracelets
• Kingdom hearts re chain of memories for ps2
• Harvest moon island of happiness for DS
• Andddd lots of other stuff

Another Thing that sucks when I get back ...Gym DDX. Just fuckin wonderful. I hate gym with a passion...so freaking much. Hopefully there won't be any dumb fuckers in gym.You know what I'm talking about, dumb bitches who won't par take in gym just cuz they got there nails done. But I suppose it won't be so bad since all my friends I sit and hangout with we all got gym together^^.

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Another thing that's making me tweak again..I got the U.S. History final to take when we get back DD;. Also will I still have to take Team sports. No offense people...I don't work well with other people I don't know. Its just how I am...for such a long time I clearly only depended on me and only me.


But still..I wonder what all my friends are up to. I wish we could of hanged out during the Christmas break. That would of been pretty fun..but atlas...it didn't happen.
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New Year's...it was okay. My parent's didn't stay up til 12. I decided to try drinking this year. Not beer but wine coolers. I thought "Since I'm 17 maybe I can try drinking to see if my body can handle it". All and all it was...EPIK FAIL. I only drank like 2 wine coolers and I feel really sick. My body just isn't made for drinking I guess. O well, I'm not gonna bitch about it.

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New Years day was okay...My parents took me shopping they bought me gym shoes and school shoes and tops and pants cuz it was on sale. Not alot of yelling that day so--it was pretty quiet LOL



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Ummm What else *thinks* oh yeah.One of my friends from Wisconsin calls me alot nows. Were like little girls talking on the phone. When I'm on the phone wif him..one minute passes and before you know it a hour whole passed by . He's trying to come to visit me in 09. He calls me after 9pm so I don't get in trouble. Fuck most the time we talk about like 3hrs worth LOL. But its always fun to talk with him.

Ummm I think that's it peoples. I hope your Winter break has been good. Laterz peoples ~Claire