Dear god I been thinking wayy too much. I want to scream, to cry, I want to be in a sleep where no can wake me up! Like today I got back into that "I hate my body" Stage again. I just recovered from crying more than hour about my body. Okay I'm a person who washed there face, brush there hair etc. I look in the mirror for a quick glance. When I was changing outta my school uniform and into regular clothes. I saw my stretch marks and they were really visible.
I saw that and wanted t cry, but I was going next door at the time so I couldn't cry. I rarely cry in front of anyone... I show my own pain to myself barely anyone. I realized I never really "look" into the mirror. Deep down I don't think I'll ever be happy with my physical appearance.
I despise taking pictures. If I take em, I ether rip, cut, throw away the part that I'm in the photo and keep the rest. I'm just that bad with myself..I always has been.
One thing I'm really scared of is concerning my boyfriend. He's in the Army nows and he is working out alot. I'm scared he's gonna come back and see me and not find me attractive anymore and leave me.
I don't wanna be seen. It's senior year, yeah everyone wants to be noticed. They wanna be the star. I don't, I never wanted to be and to this day I still don't. I don't wanna be in any senior projects at all. I'd rather be the senior that only like 5% people knows.
SATS makes me feel stupid..and Seton Academy makes me feel like shit cuz I'm not doing alot for college so that makes me a nobody. Thanks Seton...
So I'm planning on going to a community college. Is that a problem?? I don't think so. Sides I'm not ready to leave home yet. No money and family issues. So I'll still be living with my family for awhile. Sides they need me to help around the house and what not. That won't bother me much.
As a added bonus My seizures started kicking back in. I mean my arms shakes and start crying thinking it's gonna get worse. I remember em all and I can talk fine when I'm having em it's just how it feels, is bothering me DD: I had one in health class last week. I was about to break down crying but I just put my hands in my pockets and tried to ignore it...
I'm done typing...gonna blare my musica, think some more, and possibly find a midnight snack...
Nightz & Later
~Claire
